By Nayani Thiyagarajah
your head drops like dead weight and falls against my beating heart, my soft chest – already heavy from the weight of your body on mine. last night. and the one before. and the one before that. the weight of your worries keeps me up at night, and wakes me up in the morning. i, crying all the tears you refused to. i, crying all the tears they told you you could not. the residue you keep leaving behind, inside me is building up. layers of debris inside of me. making me so sick i cannot see straight. your arms wrapped around my wide waist, i am delirious wasted with the drunkenness of being wanted. of being the one you never asked me to be. by your side, i stand, pulling you back up, dragging myself down. leaning on my shoulders, i try to help you walk straight. as i begin to teeter off balance. who am i kidding? unable to keep myself up. trying to hold to you down. i am tired. i am so tired. of trying to lift you up, i’ve forgotten how to hold myself down. how can we lift each other up in love when i can’t dig my way out of the debris of you. i need a higher love. the rhythm of my heart, this heart beat, it doesn’t feel healthy. i’m always too busy trying to carry us both. who’s gonna lift me up? who’s gonna hold me down?