Exploring the stories of women who live by a ride-or-die philosophy

[FEATURE] Everything Beyonce’s Last Album Taught Me About Sex…Post Baby

By Paulina O’Kieffe | @paulina_okieffe

Ladies if you love your man show him you the flyest

Grind up on him girl show him how you ride it

Beyonce, Countdown

Sex is a beautiful, physical and spiritual experience. Energies can be transferred between partners, life can be created and in my experience it cures everything from breakups to blue balls and even migraines. Before I had my 2 kids my sex life was amazing. I had the energy to perform for long periods of times, experiment with different positions, toys, techniques, places and…well you get the picture.

However at 25 I got pregnant with my daughter and my sex game changed up completely. Pregnant sex was pretty good for a little while, but then the belly gets in the way, and it can get really uncomfortable. If you have a complicated pregnancy like I did with my son last year in which sex isn’t allowed (how I survived I don’t know to this day), that can put an even bigger strain on your sex game.

Post pregnancy sex can be difficult to get back into right away, emotionally, psychologically and physically. On the one hand if you are a Ride or Die like myself (or just really love sex) you are no doubt eager to get back into it to please your partner, or even just please yourself. On the other hand you are so exhausted from adjusting to the array of inevitable physical, emotional and mental changes plus now you have a human being to care for. As a result, post baby sex can quickly turn into a short listed number of moves performed as quickly as possible to get to the finish line fast enough so you can fit it in somewhere between midnight feeds and play dates.

I began to think that this was it. I had two children, my body had courageously fought the war but had been clearly left with scars and had been worn down and sex would never be what it was again. For a long time I didn’t even see myself as sexy. I was just a mom and wife who had a duty to fulfill her husbands needs sometimes and get myself off when I needed to (which was rare since my libido seemed to have taken a permanent vacation).

Not feeling like myself since the baby are we gonna even make it?

Beyonce, Mine

Then like a silent prayer that had been answered, I received the latest Beyonce album for my birthday (including all the videos that went with the songs). Now I am far from a groupie but I love me some Beyonce. To me she was good as an artist before, but this new Beyonce was everything I needed in that moment. The sexual energy emanating off that album was incredible and she spoke to many of the issues women face when trying to get back in the sex game after being married or in a long-term relationship and having a baby together. PartitionI watched all the videos, but there was one video that stuck out for me in particular, Partition.

This song and accompanying video had all the messages I needed to hear at that moment. It said: you can be sexy after marriage or in a long-term relationship. It said: You can be sexy again post baby. It told me: You will get back to that flexible, energizer bunny lasting, multiple position having, sexual being you thought was long gone. Sex was redefined for me and seeing those visuals really pushed me to rethink about sex post baby and all the negativity I had been feeling.

I do it like it’s my profession. I gotta make a confession. I’m proud of all this space. When you put it in your face.

Beyonce, Rocket

For those of you who are feeling the same way, whether you had your baby 2 months ago or 2 years ago just remember that your body image does NOT define your sex appeal. You can be sexy as hell even with post partum scars, stretch marks and pooches. It is all about the attitude and how you exude your sexiness. The media would love to make women believe that sexiness comes from the physical, but really it is about the way you carry yourself.

So please do any combination of the following (without any shame) on your journey to get back to an amazing sex life

  1. Do whatever it is you used to do that made you feel like you are a sex goddess and know that just because your body shifted itself a bit to help you give life to another human being doesn’t mean you are not that same sex goddess (even if it never shifts back)
  1. Take the pressure off yourself. No one is asking you to go from birthing a baby to twerking on a d*ck. You should not be literally dying from riding on your man. Take your time and ease into things. Everyday it will get easier, you will get more flexible, last longer, it won’t be as painful, hey you might even conquer some new kama sutra territory you didn’t even know you could reach. Just be patient.
  1. Don’t compare yourself to others. I was (maybe still am when I catch myself slipping) notoriously guilty of this. Going on Instagram or Facebook comparing yourself to other women who have kids and seemed to shrink back down to size the next day or worse those who never had kids yet, is really unhealthy and will set you back. And even if their bodies are in “better” shape doesn’t mean they can ride it like you can – looks and talent are two different things!
  1. Have fun. Don’t turn sex into another thing on your to do list. When you have a baby or multiple babies you can easily unconsciously look at sex like it’s a chore, instead of what it really is: a stress relieving, partner reconnecting, life giving necessity. So don’t deprive yourself. Get it in when you can. Alternate between quickies and longer sessions (when ready). Enjoy every moment and try not to go through your whole to do list in your head…while you are getting some head.

No one ever told me that my sex life would change up so drastically after having a baby (if they did I might not have gotten pregnant till I was like 40!) It has definitely put a strain on my relationship with my partner at times; it has definitely messed with my self esteem at times; and it definitely has been a constant reminder of my physical limitations (and maybe a little that my age is showing and who wants to be reminded of that…ugh). But it has also taught me about loving myself flaws and all, and seeing that my partner does to. It has taught me that I am a sensual and sexual being even when my body isn’t up to the media standards of hot. It has definitely taught me that if I can come back from two pregnancies than my sex life will have some serious longevity to it that stretches way beyond when the physical features I used to think solely defined my sex appeal fade.

Paulina O’Kieffe | Core Writer 











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